Bug really doesn't like it when I go away without him.
Actually, to be honest, there's a part of me that doesn't like it as well. I know that as his caregiver I need time for myself. Bug understands this as well, but still he doesn't like it. As his partner I also need time away. I need time to miss him. I need for that ache that settles in my chest near my heart when I haven't seen him for a couple of days. I need that excitement as I draw closer to his home after forty-eight hours or more of not seeing each other and anticipating his smile. Ah, that smile!
Bug often tells me how unfair it is that I'm able to plan a weekend away and then just go and do it. He laments how much he'd love to be able to do that, but it isn't easy. There really isn't anyone in his life who could take him away or who's even willing. His Mom and Dad are the only people that spring to mind and as much as Bug loves his parents, it just isn't the same as going away with a friend for a weekend in Seattle.
I down play my enthusiasm at going away. I've taken at least a week off each year that I've been Bug's caregiver. A week is an eternity to Bug and I know he loathes having me away for so long. It's pretty difficult for me as the days draw closer to my departure. We tend to bicker a bit more and there are lingering silences between us. His smile is limp as I say my final good-bye and the door closes behind me.
Bug's Mom is always encouraging me, gently, to take my days off. She's always reminding me of the time owed to me for breaks. I get really split. Yes I could use the time off, but I also love, love, love traveling with Bug. He's so easy to travel with and appreciates it more than anyone I know.
This puts me in that old proverbial rock and hard place. Going away is always clouded with just a tinge of guilt. Guilt at leaving Bug home, well cared for, but at home none-the-less.
I'm planning on being in Bug's life for a really long time and I know self-care is paramount if we're to have longevity in our relationship. I know that I need to stay true to my path, do what's important to me and some of these things don't include my partner. They probably wouldn't include any partner, disabled or able-bodied. It's just that now each decision I make for myself to get away has a counter effect on my boyfriend.
Even as I have my suitcase packed and I'll pack up my toothbrush tomorrow morning, I sit here not feeling totally enthused about going away. That tinge of guilt is resting near my heart, beating in time with each pulse... thump, thump- thump, thump- thump...
Until the next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment